Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
