my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
what day is it and did you see me today?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
