Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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