Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
