Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
