I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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