Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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