the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
