Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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