meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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