I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
