Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
