You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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