Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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