I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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