I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
