That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
