Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
