also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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