onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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