just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
