i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
