Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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