You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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