going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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