maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
