I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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