I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
