If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
