Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
