And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
