is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
