A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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