I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
