I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
