Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
