I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
