Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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