guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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