You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
