No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
