I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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