You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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