on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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