I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
