Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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