cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
