Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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