I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
