in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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