he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
