Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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